Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
