I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
