So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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