I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
