That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
