NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
