I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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