help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
