my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
