Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize