Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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