I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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