the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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