I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
