You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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