you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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