ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I am midnight drunk by noon
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How does one acquire holy water?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
