Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Randomize
