i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
