i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
