Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
