You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
