You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
