You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
