It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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