Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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