I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
