You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
