my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
