This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
