I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
