We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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