boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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