Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
