Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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