I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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