1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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