I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
