sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
