I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oh god it's open bar.
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