see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
