how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She needs sedatives and a leash
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
