i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
