i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
