so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
