I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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