Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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