a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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