Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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