So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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