from now on my penis is your penis
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
