Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
