My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
