Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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