How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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