And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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