Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
